


Wedge's Gamble is a weird book

by BlueDouble



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Interspecies, Parody, Rogue Squadron, Star Wars Expanded Universe - Freeform, Swearing, X-Wing, wedge's gamble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 18:20:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11949978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueDouble/pseuds/BlueDouble
Summary: Remember that one time Wedge Antilles banged a furry in the EU?





	Wedge's Gamble is a weird book

so the star wars expanded universe right  
it’s the magical place where luke fights cthulhu and the new republic was conquered by an art critic  
also kid han solo has adventures with bagheera from the jungle book  
and chewbacca gets crushed by the MOON (spoilers)  
shit gets CRAZY is what im trying to say  
(and for the sake of this anecdote we'll ignore the fact that the new movies destroyed decades of canon in an instant to make a quick buck off JJ Abrams)  
but the story i am telling you today from memory  
is about rogue squadron AKA top gun in SPACE  
and in particular  
rogue squadron learning a lesson in furry acceptance  
  
so wedge and his bros are on some planet  
its probably coruscant because why the fuck not  
and they got tired of doing donuts around tie fighters  
and catcalling star destroyers  
all peeling out into hyperspace laughing as some british  
sounding imperial tightwad gets red in the face  
  
point being they’re slumming around in the city in their leather jackets and aviators, hoping to finish the mission before they run out of cigarettes and pomade hair gel  
and they are getting help from some bothans because it’s a spy mission  
and as we all know  
bothans are ALL ABOUT spying  
and money  
and spying on money  
(haha racism)  
seriously though bothans are like the WORST parts about dwarves and elves combined into the ultimate science fantasy asshole  
but they kinda look like lions and they used their spyboners to help kill the death star that one time  
so i guess it evens out  
  
so wedge and the rogues are chilling with some bothans  
hands on their wallets  
when one of the rogues who is a useless newbie scrub of a human  
we'll call him gavin  
goes up to wedge all like hey boss i think im in love with this bothan chick is that weird  
because of you know  
the tails and fur  
also she hates me because im a chump  
WHAT DO  
  
and wedge being a HOTSHOT PILOT  
ESPIONAGE PRO  
and all-around STUD  
is like okay gavin i am going to tell you a story that will  
A) show you how much of a man i am and  
B) get you off my case for like five god damn minutes  
who knows maybe some of my incredible manliness will rub off on you and make you less of a total loser with no game  
(haha rub off)  
  
so now we're going back in time to rogue squadron holding one of its most time-honored traditions  
high-school prom night  
but with a TWIST  
if you’re single, you draw straws to get your date  
or something like that, my memory is a bit hazy  
and i'll be damned if im gonna hit up wookiepeedia for this  
anyways rogue squadron is full of aliens and humans  
because it’s the good guys  
and while this means that you have a chance to get hooked up with like a twilek or devaronian  
or asari or whatever  
you ALSO run the risk of going to prom with a talking tree  
  
as luck would have it  
wedge is single this time  
and the straw he draws  
is ON THE SHORT SIDE  
and he gets paired up with mrs otterton from zootopia  
except shes like 6 feet tall  
and SINGLE  
YOWZA  
  
now wedge's buddies will not stop giving him shit for this  
because they are a bunch of assholes who only like the aliens that look like people in bodypaint  
and they’re just pleased as fucking punch that their boss will have to awkwardly hoverhand the night away  
or chump out and ditch his date  
  
but what they do not know about wedge antilles  
is that he is the ultimate man  
and when life gives him lemons  
he treats those lemons with RESPECT AND COURTESY  
  
so otterchick is all like dude i know this is weird  
if you wanna bail out its ok, i'll just bash some space clams at home or something  
maybe swim through a tube  
float on my back  
catch up on daredevil  
you know, otter stuff  
  
but then wedge goes no way babe, i didn’t become the leader of this ragtag bunch of casual racists by pulling out when it gets weird  
i am going to give you the night of your fuckin LIFE  
AND HE DOES  
  
they go to space neiman marcus and get her the sexiest most radical otterdress  
that amplifies your hidden sexy potential ten thousand times  
like super kami guru from dragon ball z  
wedge rents a tricked out limo  
and they catch up on dance lessons  
AND IT IS PROM TIME  
  
all of rogue squadron is there with their dates  
snickering and cracking otter jokes and high fiving  
when this fucking monster limo rolls up  
all crushing other punier, weaker limos with the greatest of ease  
and the doors open with lasers and fog blowing everywhere  
like the best pro wrestling intros  
and out steps otterchick looking hotter than that both of  
tatooine's suns combined  
i mean she’s probably pretty hot all the time from like  
being covered in a dense layer of fur and oils  
but this is something else entirely  
  
so all the guys are like BWUH  
and all their dates are like WOW SHE LOOKS INCREDIBLE  
and otterchick is pretty happy with this because when 75% of the rebels are human you take what you can get  
and what she gets  
is a fantastic dinner  
a romantic dance  
and SOME ACTION  
  
see after the night of fun they’re both feeling pretty good  
and probably a bit drunk  
so otterchick invites wedge back to her place for netflix and chill  
(see? that daredevil joke wasn’t just an anachronism)  
(it was FORESHADOWING)  
(man im such a good writer)  
  
back in presente tyme, gavin starts asking all these really specific questions about it, but super surreptitiously  
wedge has no time for this and goes so you want to know how the ottersex was huh  
i will describe it to you with  
A REALLY WEIRD METAPHOR  
and then he says to imagine a diamond  
with a shinier, sexier diamond inside of it  
its sex diamonds all the way down, is what im saying  
and he keeps going on like this until gavin gets weirded out and asks him to stop  
(THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN THE BOOK)  
  
but tragically, this interspecies sex gem romance is doomed  
because of BIOLOGY  
you see otterchick is covered in fur  
that wedge is ALLERGIC TO  
(remember that joke about her being hot?)  
(ALSO FORESHADOWING)  
and wedge is covered in skin  
that just RUINS her outercoat for some reason  
maybe it’s like fish where they tell you not to touch them  
because then they suffocate or something  
  
in any case they break up but stay friends because they’re cool like that  
and allergies are nobody's fault  
  
so gavin is like well what the hell am i supposed to do then  
and wedge just sighs and looks at the camera like on the office  
and goes just treat her with respect and take the challenges as they come you gormless fuckwit  
don’t let other people's expectations define your relationships  
and gavin says oh ok  
and i think he ends up dying later on in the book  
but not before convincing the bothan lady that he's not a total waste of carbon  
  
so the moral of the story is  
sexing up aliens is ok  
just give them a good time first  
and bring some corticosteroid cream


End file.
